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Saturday, December 15, 2012

Would she ever see a sunset?

"Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way.  The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain.  The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside it's chest." -Debra Ginsberg

The next day the doctors performed a few tests on Oli.  One was a CT of her face to determine if she had any eyes or any abnormalities of her brain.  Another was an ultrasound of her pelvis to determine if her kidneys were present and normal.  And the last was a hearing screen.

It was so hard watching the nurse wheel my baby out of my room that Saturday morning.  I knew in just a few hours the results of those tests would be delivered to me and would determine her life, quality of life, or her death.  I couldn't think about the outcome of those tests anymore but, I couldn't not think about them either.

Would she be able to see her handsome daddy's face, admire a sunrise in the mountains, or see a sunset over the ocean in her daddy's beautiful Hawaii?
Or would she spend her life in darkness.

Was her brain normal?
Or would she spend her life confined to a bed, unable to ever care for herself and perform daily activities.

What about her kidneys?
Would they be missing or badly deformed and non-functioning?
Would she spend her life attached to a dialysis machine multiple times a week for hours at a time?
Would I be forced to administer numerous medications with harmful side effects in order to keep her alive?

Was she able to hear her sweet brothers voice when he called her his "bee-bee" and kissed her head?
Was she able to hear how many times I had whispered "I love you" into her ear?
Did she hear how many times I told her I was sorry that this had happened to her?
Did she hear me tell her that I would have offered God anything if He would allow me to trade places with her?
Did she hear me tell her that I wished it had been me that had been born blind and not her?

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