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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A phone call to my mom

"I cannot forget my mother.  She is my bridge.  When I needed to get across, she steadied herself long enough for me to run across safely." -Renita Weems

I think the hardest phone call I have ever had to make was the one I made to my mother, telling her that Oli was blind.  I don't even remember the details of that conversation but, I remember thinking...

I can't believe I'm telling her this.
I can't believe that I have to tell her that I will not be able to give her granddaughter the kind of life that she gave me.

My mom LOVES her grandchildren! ( Notice the capitalization and exclamation mark.  This means that sometimes I think she loves them more than me.)

I can't even imagine what she was thinking when I whispered those 5 words into the phone that day.

Mom, my baby is blind.

I could hardly even speak the words. I didn't want to speak them. If I said those words to someone outside my hospital room, that would solidify it.  That would make it real.  I didn't want it to be real. 

I was crying uncontrollably and I just wanted my mom to do what she always does when I am hurting.

I wanted her to make it go away.

I wanted her to stand up for me, yell at someone for me, tell me how unfair this all was. 

I wanted her to say that she would fix this for me.

But, she couldn't make it go away this time.
This is the one time my mom didn't offer to fix it for me.

She just cried with me.  She told me how sorry she was that this had happened.
And then she told me that it would be hard but, I would get through it.

My mom's heart was broken that day. 
She loves me and my children like her life depends on it and I know that if she could have bargained with the devil for Oli's eyesight she would have done it. If she could have fixed it somehow, she would have.  She would have fixed it so that I didn't have to feel this unbearable heartache.

But she didn't offer me a lie that day.
She didn't offer to do something that she knew she could never make happen.

Moms can't always fix things for their children, even when their hearts are shattering to pieces before them.

My mom showed me that day how hard it really is to be a mother.  I love her immensely for the things that she unknowingly taught me that day. Things that I now know are the honest gifts of a mother to a child.

 She has never lied to me  when she knows something is going to hurt.

Never promised me things she knew I will never have.

And she  has never tried to fix something for me when it is not truly broken.


  1. I really need to stop reading your blog when I'm at work. You totally make me cry. (((Hugs)))

  2. I agree with Carol!! I cry every time too!

    1. Thanks for reading guys!!! And thanks for commenting!

  3. I love attempting to see your world through your blog and in conversations with your wonderful momma. I'm so proud for you in all the insight you have gained and the avenues you have found to share and heal and enlighted through your experiences. Best of all the world has to offer to you and your sweetie pie babies =)

  4. Thanks Sabrina! I really appreciate that. Thanks for reading my blog :)
    My mom's pretty great!