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Saturday, December 15, 2012

I didn't want to pick her up

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

I, however, was not so willing to accept my destiny.  I wanted to fight it, change it, punish it, scream at it, plead with it, bargain with it....Anything but, accept it.

I was left alone at the hospital with Oli when Seth had to go and drop Kekoa off back with his Grandma.  She was sleeping peacefully in her little clear plastic bassinet beside my bed.  I turned on the TV for a little distraction.  This turned out to be a very bad idea.

You know that new mommy/baby show that is on the hospital channel.  Yeah, well, I thought it would be a brilliant idea to turn that on and torture myself for a little while.  Watching all those cute babies and learning about their development.  They are smiling and cooing at the camera.  Their big eyes filled with the wonderment of the new world they've just been introduced to.

Would my daughter ever smile and coo?

Would she even live long enough to achieve this level of development?

These were the earth shattering questions that I felt the need to ponder at this moment.  Watching all those beautiful babies I started looking at my own beautiful tiny baby girl.  Beautiful but, different.

And then I was afraid of her.

This little 6 pound peanut.  I was suddenly afraid of her.  How could I possibly take her home and care for her?  How could I teach her?  I had never even met a blind person before.

I looked back up at the television monitor and wished with all of my heart that I could just reach through that screen and grab one of those babies.  I wanted to replace her with one of them.  One I wasn't afraid of.  I looked at her again.

I didn't want to pick her up.

But, then I did pick her up.  Because that's what mothers do.  We pick up our children and love them.  Even when they don't fit into our perfect little box of what we thought we wanted.  We pick them up and love them because they are our babies.

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