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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Fine-Garbage, Happy-Lie Vomit

When I reread my old blog sometimes it strikes me as funny and sometimes it just strikes me as sad.  I think I honestly believed all of the things I wrote back then.  I believed that Oli was learning to walk and talk.  I believed that it was still possible for her to just one day catch up to other children her age.  Even though by the time she was 2 it was clear that she would not.

I was probably moving into denial at that point. I bounced around the first 3 stages of grief frequently in the beginning of Oli’s life.  One moment I would be in denial and isolation and the next I would be angry.  And then I would move into bargaining only to be swung back into denial.   Most frequently I found myself in depression.  Only recently have I moved on to acceptance and haven’t looked back since.

I didn’t know any of this then though.  I didn’t consciously realize that I was grieving and nobody told me. 
I thought maybe I just had bad coping skills (which I did) or that I was a bad person and a bad mother.

To combat my inner feelings of inadequacy, I told the world that everything was amazing.  I tried to convince them that this was my lot in life and I whole heartily embraced it and was moving forward.  I tried to convince you so maybe I would begin to convince myself.  I thought that the more I tried to sell everyone on my fineness, the more fine I would eventually become. 

It didn’t work out that way at all.  The more I lied and faked happiness the more alone and miserable I became.  By not letting anyone in, I isolated myself so deeply that I became entrenched in the quicksand of grief.  Every move I made and word I spoke sucked me down and eventually had me suffocating on my own fine-garbage, happy-lie vomit.

As I move forward and continue my story I have to read the old blog to A.) remember what the hell happened 3 years ago because so much has happened since and B.) because it reminds me of that grieving process and I can clearly see it now in my writing.  I can read a post from back then and see: lies, hope, sadness, fear, optimism, bargaining, pain, denial, anger, and a sense of being lost. 

The one thing I don’t see in any of the old posts are real, genuine feelings.  I see a bunch of words on a computer screen attempting to fool the world into believing that I was okay.

In the history of humanity, there was probably no bigger untruth.


  1. What an honest and open post. Looking back on many things leave you wondering where the emotion was/or where your head was at. It's truly inspiring that you feel brave enough to give up on the untruth of convincing the world everything is alright, that's a hard thing to do. I should take a page out of your book sometimes. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting this week!

    1. You are very welcome. Thanks for stopping by mine!