The Night Was My Enemy

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.”
― Nicole Sobon, Program 13    


I called Oli's doctor and told her our decision to try Melatonin. She suggested that we start at 3mg and see if it helps.  The first night I gave it to her I was so hopeful that she would begin a normal sleep pattern. I crushed up the pill and mixed it in some applesauce at bedtime.  As Oli closed her eyes I whispered a little made up song in her ear.

"Sleep sweet Oli. Sleep tonight. Sleep sweet Oli until it's light."

It worked!! For the first time in months she slept through the night. I would like to credit my little song and the mystical powers of my voice, but there was a reason I was whispering it to her and not singing it.

Melatonin was now my best friend.

It was wonderful seeing what regular sleep did for her.  She had more energy, ate better, and put on some weight. She finally weighed 20lbs at 20 months old. 

It helped me tremendously too. 

Before we tried Melatonin I would occasionally have anxiety attacks when darkness fell.  I worried every night about how many hours of sleep I would get. Was I going to be able to function at work the next day?  If I was staying at home the following day I worried that my temper would be short and that I would be too exhausted to do anything productive with the kids.

The night was my enemy.  It held all of my fears, inadequacies, demons, unfulfilled dreams and unanswered questions.  It made me feel weak and useless.  I would hold my playful baby in my arms at 2am and silently cry so she couldn't hear my anguish.  I would turn my head so my tears wouldn't fall on her face.  And I would pray in the dark.  I prayed and prayed for peace. I prayed for comfort and then I would wrap her up in her blanket and hold her tightly to my heart.  Oli's link to my heart and the complete love I felt for her was the only tether I had binding me to this life.  This place and my role as a mother.  I held onto her and gave this tiny person the power to hold me down and keep me from floating away.

Once she started sleeping it lifted some of those anxieties from my shoulders and allowed me to take a much needed deep breath. I actually took deep breath. 

I hadn't done that in a very long time.