Fine-Garbage, Happy-Lie Vomit

When I reread my old blog sometimes it strikes me as funny and sometimes it just strikes me as sad.  I think I honestly believed all of the things I wrote back then.  I believed that Oli was learning to walk and talk.  I believed that it was still possible for her to just one day catch up to other children her age.  Even though by the time she was 2 it was clear that she would not.

I was probably moving into denial at that point. I bounced around the first 3 stages of grief frequently in the beginning of Oli’s life.  One moment I would be in denial and isolation and the next I would be angry.  And then I would move into bargaining only to be swung back into denial.   Most frequently I found myself in depression.  Only recently have I moved on to acceptance and haven’t looked back since.

I didn’t know any of this then though.  I didn’t consciously realize that I was grieving and nobody told me. 

I thought maybe I just had bad coping skills (which I did) or that I was a bad person and a bad mother.

To combat my inner feelings of inadequacy, I told the world that everything was amazing.  I tried to convince them that this was my lot in life and I whole heartily embraced it and was moving forward.  I tried to convince you so maybe I would begin to convince myself.  I thought that the more I tried to sell everyone on my fineness, the more fine I would eventually become. 

It didn’t work out that way at all.  The more I lied and faked happiness the more alone and miserable I became.  By not letting anyone in, I isolated myself so deeply that I became entrenched in the quicksand of grief.  Every move I made and word I spoke sucked me down and eventually had me suffocating on my own fine-garbage, happy-lie vomit.

As I move forward and continue my story I have to read the old blog to A.) remember what the hell happened 3 years ago because so much has happened since and B.) because it reminds me of that grieving process and I can clearly see it now in my writing.  I can read a post from back then and see: lies, hope, sadness, fear, optimism, bargaining, pain, denial, anger, and a sense of being lost. 

The one thing I don’t see in any of the old posts are real, genuine feelings.  I see a bunch of words on a computer screen attempting to fool the world into believing that I was okay.

In the history of humanity, there was probably no bigger untruth.